So I have failed miserably in keeping up with this blog and again I am going to take another stab at it. I am going to add it into my weekly routine and hopefully make something productive, useful and informative out of it.
I suppose first though I should get everyone up to speed. My husband is going to be home in five more days and one wake up. Although I am over joyed I am filled with a mixture of emotions ranging from insecurities and doubts to exuberance and enthusiasm. The last 17 months have been a rough journey for me and I am sure in ways rougher for my husband. We are still newly married just having celebrated our third anniversary however we have lived together only a little more then half of our marriage and managed to never have the blissful "newlywed" stage with the birth of our daughter three months prior to marriage and the news of our second pregnancy coming at MacKenzie's seventh month in this world. We meet at 18 and 19 and now at 23 and 24 have grown up a bit but are still learning what being married means and how to adapt to each others needs and desires. While this is not an easy task to begin with, doing so while separated by an ocean is only complicated things. Add to that the stress of me being the sole caretaker for two children (three and two) and the stress on Levi by missing so much, getting used to each other is compounded even further. After understanding this, is it understandable then that I am almost nerve-racked upon the growing closeness of my husbands arrival.
Not living together has done many things. For me the effect of my husband being gone has been life changing in many positive ways. First it confirmed what that little voice inside of me has been chanting since the day I meet my husband. He is amazing and I love him. Secondly him being gone made me realize that while I am more then capable of living without him I have no desire to. Next I learned about this amazing inner strength that women like me, women in the Silent Ranks of the United States Military, must have. Although many times I have found myself saying I can't do this any longer, somehow I still wake up the next day, I still breath air, I still cook meals for my children, I still muster the strength to smile at my kids when asked about him... I still continue on. I have learned that this inner strength that just appears when life is too much is enough to make the days keep going the weeks keep turning and the months passing and as I near the end of this separation I realize that this strength is a gift passed down from the generations of Army wives, Navy wives, Marine wives and Air Force wives long before my time. During this time apart I learned who I was. I found that I am more then a mom and a wife and that I do have a purpose in this world , and although I will never be a brain surgeon, cure cancer or anything on in broad scale, I am okay that my purpose is minute and is to take care of, nurture, and help those that God sees fit to bring into my life.Another thing that has been amazing is this pride that grows in your heart .. a pride obviously for you soldier, but for you fellow country men and for your nation. I am so proud of the things my husband has accomplished in the last year and a half. He has grown into this amazing man, i am proud of what he does and the things he stands for, I am proud that our children can look up to him and know he is doing something good but mostly I am proud that he is who he is. I am proud to be his wife. They say that behind every great man is a great woman and while I am far from great I am glad to be behind a great man. The pride for the people we live and work and play around comes from someone seeing the support our troops sticker and nodding and saying thanks, it comes from the businesses who open their doors to families like ours and help provide things that wouldn't be possible other wise as a way of thanking our husbands and realizing that the sacrifices made are shared as a whole in military families..The pride in country came while hearing the Star Spangled Banner being played and seeing your three year old and two year old stand more still then the high school students. My daughter after many lessons taught her brother how to stand hand raised to heart and was taught the flag means pride and that papa defends that flag.. While I have tried to instill these values in her and our son i thought it all was in one ear and out the other until I hear my blue eyed baby girl with her hand still on her heart as the music faded say "They play that song for the flag and the flag is why my Papa needs to be gone, huh mom?". If she could understand why can't everyone else.
However there has been negative too and these negatives are what make me fill like apprehensive about my husbands arrival. Not living together brings you closer, Distance make the heart grow fonder right? But in this distance you forget all the nagging, irritating, aggravating habits and vices about someone that you really only know from living with and spending time with a person. What about all the silly arguments you had prior to the deployment? Will the rehash to the surface or are the burred forever.. is this a fresh start or will things pickup like there was never a gap in time and space between you. What about the kids? The adjustment will be seamless. Right? The most daunting negatives for me are the constant questioning of my individual decision making here at home on a daily basis and our decisions as a team on larger issues. The obvious negatives are things such as loneliness and missed companionship. Who doesn't want to be with the people they care about the most in life... and even more so when your married you expect to be together always in the rough time to comfort each other. In the Army that is not a possibility always.. your lucky to know where your soldier is , let alone get a phone call when one of you is in need of comfort or companionship.
Since my husband has been gone have begun many different life journeys. The first was when I quit my job. I felt the strongest desire to be at home with my kids and we were in that situation. After all part of my husbands motivation for joining the Army was so that we could live that 1950's American Dream. Me at home taking care of the children and the house and him. Me being at home meant always being free while he is home on leave or preparing to deploy or arriving home from deployment. Me being home meant we would raise our kids, not a childcare provider or a family member. This was a decision we mad together and are glad about. I also decided to become a healthy mom and wife. After two children back to back I never really lost the weight. It became inhibiting and I decided that I was going to become a healthier me. At this point I have lost around 20 pounds and continue to go to the gym daily and have a long journey ahead. But daily exercise has helped me gain control of my life and control of my Adult A.D.D without medications and has balanced me mentally in so many ways. I have also gone back to school with a full scholarship. I am working towards my Associated in Applied Science in Chemical Dependency and one day hope to help work with teenage soldiers who are chemical addicts.
Okay.... Enough babble for today.
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