Friends from the past.

Facebook is an amazing thing that lets you talk to so many people that you haven't seen in years, that you wouldn't normaly talk to, people you knew but couldn't contact, various family memebers and many other sorts of people from our past. Everyones friends list is very different. Some peoples list consist of mostly friends, mostly family, work or school friends and so on. Mine is very simple, Family, a few friends, and people I have known from Scottsdale Church of God.

Just like everyones Facebook friends list is different, the list of people who have influnced our lifes are uniquely ours as well. Again my list is simple: My parents, my husband, my children. This list however, also includes many people I have know from Scottsdale Church of God.

As I thought about the two lists I realized that even though everyone knows if they are on my friends list that some of the people who have ment the most to me may have never been given a thank you.

I have decided to write to everyone of these people that have made a differnce and tell them that Who they are made a difference......

Who has made a difference in your life and why. I bet they would want to know.

Moving....

I know I am not the first person to move and I will for sure not be the last. But still, seriously, I never want to do it again. Not that my husbands job really allows for that. What seems to be my hardest problem about moving is that I am not really sure where we are moving too. I mean, yes I know what post we are moving to and I know what town surrounds it but after that I know nothing. I know that we are possibly headed to an Extended Stay style motel( depending if its livable once we get there) but no house to head to with the moving truck. This is what stresses me out about the whole move.

BUT, I have promised myself that I will not become stressed. I will not worry. I will not yell senselessly at my husband. I have sworn to make this a fun process even without all of the blanks filled in. I am charging the video camera and my husband will be armed with the photo camera. I have pulled up some fun stops on the way to Fort Hood and a couple of free things to do(museum on post, Calvary horse show thing) for the free time the kids and I may end up with the first week while my husband is in-processing.

This week I have worked on mastering my daughters hair and waking up before the kids. I have done well with the hair and failed miserably with the waking early since I cant seem to sleep at all. Hopefully once my husband is home my nerves will be gone and I can once again get some much needed sleep.

Well, I need to head back to packing the boxes of necessities for the hotel room since we could be living there for a while. Just about four more days and my wonderful husband will be home and a few days after that we will be heading off on this new part of our life together.. Goodness I love adventures!

If at first you don't succed try, try , try again.....

So I have failed miserably in keeping up with this blog and again I am going to take another stab at it. I am going to add it into my weekly routine and hopefully make something productive, useful and informative out of it.

I suppose first though I should get everyone up to speed. My husband is going to be home in five more days and one wake up. Although I am over joyed I am filled with a mixture of emotions ranging from insecurities and doubts to exuberance and enthusiasm. The last 17 months have been a rough journey for me and I am sure in ways rougher for my husband. We are still newly married just having celebrated our third anniversary however we have lived together only a little more then half of our marriage and managed to never have the blissful "newlywed" stage with the birth of our daughter three months prior to marriage and the news of our second pregnancy coming at MacKenzie's seventh month in this world. We meet at 18 and 19 and now at 23 and 24 have grown up a bit but are still learning what being married means and how to adapt to each others needs and desires. While this is not an easy task to begin with, doing so while separated by an ocean is only complicated things. Add to that the stress of me being the sole caretaker for two children (three and two) and the stress on Levi by missing so much, getting used to each other is compounded even further. After understanding this, is it understandable then that I am almost nerve-racked upon the growing closeness of my husbands arrival.

Not living together has done many things. For me the effect of my husband being gone has been life changing in many positive ways. First it confirmed what that little voice inside of me has been chanting since the day I meet my husband. He is amazing and I love him. Secondly him being gone made me realize that while I am more then capable of living without him I have no desire to. Next I learned about this amazing inner strength that women like me, women in the Silent Ranks of the United States Military, must have. Although many times I have found myself saying I can't do this any longer, somehow I still wake up the next day, I still breath air, I still cook meals for my children, I still muster the strength to smile at my kids when asked about him... I still continue on. I have learned that this inner strength that just appears when life is too much is enough to make the days keep going the weeks keep turning and the months passing and as I near the end of this separation I realize that this strength is a gift passed down from the generations of Army wives, Navy wives, Marine wives and Air Force wives long before my time. During this time apart I learned who I was. I found that I am more then a mom and a wife and that I do have a purpose in this world , and although I will never be a brain surgeon, cure cancer or anything on in broad scale, I am okay that my purpose is minute and is to take care of, nurture, and help those that God sees fit to bring into my life.Another thing that has been amazing is this pride that grows in your heart .. a pride obviously for you soldier, but for you fellow country men and for your nation. I am so proud of the things my husband has accomplished in the last year and a half. He has grown into this amazing man, i am proud of what he does and the things he stands for, I am proud that our children can look up to him and know he is doing something good but mostly I am proud that he is who he is. I am proud to be his wife. They say that behind every great man is a great woman and while I am far from great I am glad to be behind a great man. The pride for the people we live and work and play around comes from someone seeing the support our troops sticker and nodding and saying thanks, it comes from the businesses who open their doors to families like ours and help provide things that wouldn't be possible other wise as a way of thanking our husbands and realizing that the sacrifices made are shared as a whole in military families..The pride in country came while hearing the Star Spangled Banner being played and seeing your three year old and two year old stand more still then the high school students. My daughter after many lessons taught her brother how to stand hand raised to heart and was taught the flag means pride and that papa defends that flag.. While I have tried to instill these values in her and our son i thought it all was in one ear and out the other until I hear my blue eyed baby girl with her hand still on her heart as the music faded say "They play that song for the flag and the flag is why my Papa needs to be gone, huh mom?". If she could understand why can't everyone else.

However there has been negative too and these negatives are what make me fill like apprehensive about my husbands arrival. Not living together brings you closer, Distance make the heart grow fonder right? But in this distance you forget all the nagging, irritating, aggravating habits and vices about someone that you really only know from living with and spending time with a person. What about all the silly arguments you had prior to the deployment? Will the rehash to the surface or are the burred forever.. is this a fresh start or will things pickup like there was never a gap in time and space between you. What about the kids? The adjustment will be seamless. Right? The most daunting negatives for me are the constant questioning of my individual decision making here at home on a daily basis and our decisions as a team on larger issues. The obvious negatives are things such as loneliness and missed companionship. Who doesn't want to be with the people they care about the most in life... and even more so when your married you expect to be together always in the rough time to comfort each other. In the Army that is not a possibility always.. your lucky to know where your soldier is , let alone get a phone call when one of you is in need of comfort or companionship.


Since my husband has been gone have begun many different life journeys. The first was when I quit my job. I felt the strongest desire to be at home with my kids and we were in that situation. After all part of my husbands motivation for joining the Army was so that we could live that 1950's American Dream. Me at home taking care of the children and the house and him. Me being at home meant always being free while he is home on leave or preparing to deploy or arriving home from deployment. Me being home meant we would raise our kids, not a childcare provider or a family member. This was a decision we mad together and are glad about. I also decided to become a healthy mom and wife. After two children back to back I never really lost the weight. It became inhibiting and I decided that I was going to become a healthier me. At this point I have lost around 20 pounds and continue to go to the gym daily and have a long journey ahead. But daily exercise has helped me gain control of my life and control of my Adult A.D.D without medications and has balanced me mentally in so many ways. I have also gone back to school with a full scholarship. I am working towards my Associated in Applied Science in Chemical Dependency and one day hope to help work with teenage soldiers who are chemical addicts.


Okay.... Enough babble for today.

Putting on a happy face...

Im sitting here in my living room and I have had a fairly good day. The kids are happy and healthy and played very hard this morning! There have been many blessings in my life that I am so thankful for. My kids, my family , my husband, some of my close friends..... There really is alot to be joyful for. But today the nagging ache in my heart is very prominet. I don't know what the normal is for other woman in my situation but I am guessing it is much like mine. Every morning when I wake up I instinctly reach over to the otherside of the bed. It takes about 5 seconds to remember he isn't home. When I am fixing breakfast for the kids occasionaly I will grab the fourth plate or the fourth glass. Once I even cooked and egg for him. He wasn't home and hadn't been for months. During the afternoons while the kids are outside playing I catch myself thinking " I wonder when Levi will... " the thought trails off beacuse I know he isn't coming home. At dinner I watch the kids and wish he could see them, hear them, laugh with them, but he can't. When the kids are in bed for the night asking about him I constantly finding myself repeating the phrases " Papa is in the Army and the Army needs him in Korea" or "Remember Papa is a soldier and he has to be gone for a long time." At bedtime lately I find myself sleeping on the coutch rather then in the large bed. It feels less empty, less lonely. The rare moments we get to talk to him is what makes our world here at home go round. The kids love hearing his voice and telling them about their day. I love hearing him knowing he is safe. I know he's lying when he tells me everything is fine or it's going by quick or I'll be home soon in an upbeat voice. I know he is lying because i lie too. I had the privillage of meeting with some very wise women who where married to soldiers once. They told me ... don't make big changes while he is gone, try your hardest not to cry when you talk to him, make him believe you are happy as heck. I fail miserably at this. Home misses him as much as he misses home. I cry when I talk to him if I accedently remind myself that when he "comes home" its only for a few months. Today is one of those days that everything at home reminds me of Levi. It's good knowing that everything reminds me of him. It helps miss him less most times. But today it is making me wish he was home here with me and the kids... The quiet part of my day is nap time. And I hear my kids rustling around upstairs that means noise and fun chaos... Time to Put on my happy face...Maybe we will go ride bikes in the front with the neighbor kids! Thats always fun. P.S. It is really a beautiful day outside. Go play outside get fresh air and soak up the sun. It's a good way to put on a happy face!!!

I am an American.

I am American. I live in America. I am not a german, irshman, or english, although I am a descendent of germans, irishmen and english american settlers. Know I understand that we should be proud of our heritage and the people who made our exsitance possible. I am proud of them. Of their bravery to leave their homes and come to a new country. However, I am also very proud of the great Ameicans in families lineage that were brave enough to fight for this country. The ones who were in WWI and WWII, the Americans who faught in Nam and Desert Storm. I am proud of the people who have made and our still making this country free for all to live. BUT... When I hear stories about people like I heard on the news just now it absolutely outrages me. There is a man here locally from the middle east who recently ran over his daughter and her friend and fled the scene. His is still to be caught. Police have learned through his family and friends that he did this because his daughter was becoming " to westernized". He was appaulled that she would turn on " her country" is what one reporter said. For this man to have feelings like this and to run over his own daughter is sickening. I know that back in the middle east there are reglious beliefs and I believe laws about how women should act and there are punishments that the males in their families issue. I dont agree but I would respect that if I was in their country. He is in America and I am guessing that him or his family came here for a better life. If this is the case isn't becoming American part of that deal. For men like this and for the others that I have heard rave about their homeland and how much better it is then America then I say .. GO BACK HOME. If you are not capable of living in AMERICA, speaking english, and living that long sought out American Dream leave. I don't want you here and I am guessing there are many others who feel the same...... I know i am ranting but I just don't understand. .... I am proud to be American, God bless all of our troops, policemen, and firefighters (and their dispatchers :) )that put their lives on the line to give us the life we live. Free.

Scatter-brained on a Beautiful Morning.

Today is absolutely a beautiful day to be outside. The weather is cool, the sun is bright, the birds are singing and I am in a very good mood. When I let the kids out for their morning playtime I decided it was a good day to bring the laptop outside to write. It is days like this that I think I will miss Arizona once it is no longer home. The days in fall when the weather is cooling down, there is no humidity to speak of, and the clouds are occasionally drifting in front of the sun… yes today is one of those days I will miss Arizona for. My kids are running around me and I notice something. I notice the absolute carefree attitudes they have. They care about nothing other then the right now. Where their Popsicles are and when they get them seem to be the only thing on their mind. I wish I could learn to enjoy myself they way they do. Sheer happiness floods over them at almost all times. Well , other then time out or bed time. I want to take the lesson I have learned from my kids today and apply it to my life. I want to wake up every morning with a smile and look forward to the now. This task is going to be a hard one with all the crappy stuff but I think that if I remain positive even all of the hard stuff like Levi’s upcoming deployment will become more then just bearable. I want to be able to live and enjoy these precious moments I have with our kids, learn how to capture them with film and written stories in such a way Levi doesn’t feel like he has missed anything. Today I am taking all of the bad things, the unknowns, the what if’s, and the how’s in my life and turning them into adventures full of fun and bliss instead of stress and worry. A few days ago Levi and I found out what unit in Texas he is going to. With that came the news a very near deployment to Afghanistan. Although nothing is for sure (It is the Army after all) we know that it is probably the reality. I have decided that I am probably going to go back to work. I love being at home with the kids but I think that I would like to work while he is gone to help pass the time a little quicker. MacKenzie is excited to move to the Army place (Ft. Hood) and go to school. I think it will be fun for her to go to a preschool and Thomas I know would love being in a Childcare center with other kids. I know there are lots of families where the mom works and where she doesn’t. It would be interesting to sit down with other Army Wives with a few deployments under their belts to see what they say are the pro’s and con’s of working and staying at home. …….

Ugh...

So I am sitting here on my favorite reclining chair with my laptop sitting on the nearest side table. I am wrapped up in the heavest fluffiest blanket I can find. Tissue box sitting in my lap with a small trash can beside my chair on the floor about to overflow with klenexx. My kids are at the sitter and my head is still pounding from their overwhelming energy this morning.... See where this is going. Yes, I am sick. Completly, incredibly sick. When I was 16 being sick was somewhat cool. I mean I didn't have to go to school, I could sit on the couch or in my bed all day. There was absolutely no one relying on me for anything. But now being sick means on top of being miserable, throwing up or having a brain that feels like its drilling it way out of my skull I still have to do all of the things a mommy does. Cleaning up the fruit loops or getting up to get milk or change a diaper. My husband on the other hand is over in Korea, and although the Army requires him to report for full duty when he is sick at least he didn't get up 10 times the night before with the 3 year old and 2 year old that were also sick. Maybe the Army will come up with a Army Wife deployment program where I get to leave the household and family duties with my soldier and I get to blow stuff up........... maybe one day. Ha!