Putting on a happy face...

Im sitting here in my living room and I have had a fairly good day. The kids are happy and healthy and played very hard this morning! There have been many blessings in my life that I am so thankful for. My kids, my family , my husband, some of my close friends..... There really is alot to be joyful for. But today the nagging ache in my heart is very prominet. I don't know what the normal is for other woman in my situation but I am guessing it is much like mine. Every morning when I wake up I instinctly reach over to the otherside of the bed. It takes about 5 seconds to remember he isn't home. When I am fixing breakfast for the kids occasionaly I will grab the fourth plate or the fourth glass. Once I even cooked and egg for him. He wasn't home and hadn't been for months. During the afternoons while the kids are outside playing I catch myself thinking " I wonder when Levi will... " the thought trails off beacuse I know he isn't coming home. At dinner I watch the kids and wish he could see them, hear them, laugh with them, but he can't. When the kids are in bed for the night asking about him I constantly finding myself repeating the phrases " Papa is in the Army and the Army needs him in Korea" or "Remember Papa is a soldier and he has to be gone for a long time." At bedtime lately I find myself sleeping on the coutch rather then in the large bed. It feels less empty, less lonely. The rare moments we get to talk to him is what makes our world here at home go round. The kids love hearing his voice and telling them about their day. I love hearing him knowing he is safe. I know he's lying when he tells me everything is fine or it's going by quick or I'll be home soon in an upbeat voice. I know he is lying because i lie too. I had the privillage of meeting with some very wise women who where married to soldiers once. They told me ... don't make big changes while he is gone, try your hardest not to cry when you talk to him, make him believe you are happy as heck. I fail miserably at this. Home misses him as much as he misses home. I cry when I talk to him if I accedently remind myself that when he "comes home" its only for a few months. Today is one of those days that everything at home reminds me of Levi. It's good knowing that everything reminds me of him. It helps miss him less most times. But today it is making me wish he was home here with me and the kids... The quiet part of my day is nap time. And I hear my kids rustling around upstairs that means noise and fun chaos... Time to Put on my happy face...Maybe we will go ride bikes in the front with the neighbor kids! Thats always fun. P.S. It is really a beautiful day outside. Go play outside get fresh air and soak up the sun. It's a good way to put on a happy face!!!

I am an American.

I am American. I live in America. I am not a german, irshman, or english, although I am a descendent of germans, irishmen and english american settlers. Know I understand that we should be proud of our heritage and the people who made our exsitance possible. I am proud of them. Of their bravery to leave their homes and come to a new country. However, I am also very proud of the great Ameicans in families lineage that were brave enough to fight for this country. The ones who were in WWI and WWII, the Americans who faught in Nam and Desert Storm. I am proud of the people who have made and our still making this country free for all to live. BUT... When I hear stories about people like I heard on the news just now it absolutely outrages me. There is a man here locally from the middle east who recently ran over his daughter and her friend and fled the scene. His is still to be caught. Police have learned through his family and friends that he did this because his daughter was becoming " to westernized". He was appaulled that she would turn on " her country" is what one reporter said. For this man to have feelings like this and to run over his own daughter is sickening. I know that back in the middle east there are reglious beliefs and I believe laws about how women should act and there are punishments that the males in their families issue. I dont agree but I would respect that if I was in their country. He is in America and I am guessing that him or his family came here for a better life. If this is the case isn't becoming American part of that deal. For men like this and for the others that I have heard rave about their homeland and how much better it is then America then I say .. GO BACK HOME. If you are not capable of living in AMERICA, speaking english, and living that long sought out American Dream leave. I don't want you here and I am guessing there are many others who feel the same...... I know i am ranting but I just don't understand. .... I am proud to be American, God bless all of our troops, policemen, and firefighters (and their dispatchers :) )that put their lives on the line to give us the life we live. Free.

Scatter-brained on a Beautiful Morning.

Today is absolutely a beautiful day to be outside. The weather is cool, the sun is bright, the birds are singing and I am in a very good mood. When I let the kids out for their morning playtime I decided it was a good day to bring the laptop outside to write. It is days like this that I think I will miss Arizona once it is no longer home. The days in fall when the weather is cooling down, there is no humidity to speak of, and the clouds are occasionally drifting in front of the sun… yes today is one of those days I will miss Arizona for. My kids are running around me and I notice something. I notice the absolute carefree attitudes they have. They care about nothing other then the right now. Where their Popsicles are and when they get them seem to be the only thing on their mind. I wish I could learn to enjoy myself they way they do. Sheer happiness floods over them at almost all times. Well , other then time out or bed time. I want to take the lesson I have learned from my kids today and apply it to my life. I want to wake up every morning with a smile and look forward to the now. This task is going to be a hard one with all the crappy stuff but I think that if I remain positive even all of the hard stuff like Levi’s upcoming deployment will become more then just bearable. I want to be able to live and enjoy these precious moments I have with our kids, learn how to capture them with film and written stories in such a way Levi doesn’t feel like he has missed anything. Today I am taking all of the bad things, the unknowns, the what if’s, and the how’s in my life and turning them into adventures full of fun and bliss instead of stress and worry. A few days ago Levi and I found out what unit in Texas he is going to. With that came the news a very near deployment to Afghanistan. Although nothing is for sure (It is the Army after all) we know that it is probably the reality. I have decided that I am probably going to go back to work. I love being at home with the kids but I think that I would like to work while he is gone to help pass the time a little quicker. MacKenzie is excited to move to the Army place (Ft. Hood) and go to school. I think it will be fun for her to go to a preschool and Thomas I know would love being in a Childcare center with other kids. I know there are lots of families where the mom works and where she doesn’t. It would be interesting to sit down with other Army Wives with a few deployments under their belts to see what they say are the pro’s and con’s of working and staying at home. …….

Ugh...

So I am sitting here on my favorite reclining chair with my laptop sitting on the nearest side table. I am wrapped up in the heavest fluffiest blanket I can find. Tissue box sitting in my lap with a small trash can beside my chair on the floor about to overflow with klenexx. My kids are at the sitter and my head is still pounding from their overwhelming energy this morning.... See where this is going. Yes, I am sick. Completly, incredibly sick. When I was 16 being sick was somewhat cool. I mean I didn't have to go to school, I could sit on the couch or in my bed all day. There was absolutely no one relying on me for anything. But now being sick means on top of being miserable, throwing up or having a brain that feels like its drilling it way out of my skull I still have to do all of the things a mommy does. Cleaning up the fruit loops or getting up to get milk or change a diaper. My husband on the other hand is over in Korea, and although the Army requires him to report for full duty when he is sick at least he didn't get up 10 times the night before with the 3 year old and 2 year old that were also sick. Maybe the Army will come up with a Army Wife deployment program where I get to leave the household and family duties with my soldier and I get to blow stuff up........... maybe one day. Ha!

Today was rough... I want a better tomorrow.

Okay so when I joined the silent ranks I wasn't sent to Army Wife Boot Camp. I wasn't trained for my mission; I had no idea what to except, what I would feel, how to act in certain situations and I had no idea how to handle the emotions of separations. After my husband graduated Boot Camp and AIT (Army Individualized Training) he was sent to S. Korea. Now although Korea isn't technically a deployment for the soldier, for the families, much of the emotions and actions on the home front remain the same. Sort of.


See, if my husband would have deployed my family would have been assigned to an Army Post somewhere, would have possibly been assigned Post housing, we would have access to an FRG, I would have a few hours monthly of free respite childcare, and the other benefits of living on/near Post (PX, Commissary, Army Hospital, CYSS, ect.). However, because my husband was given orders for an unaccompanied Permanent Change of Station as his first assignment, I was left in Phoenix (nearest Post is 4 hour drive) with a million questions and no support. At least if there is support out there I haven't been given any resources to locate it.

That being said this has been a very interesting 15 months. When Levi first enlisted I was working too much and my kids only got to see me about 7 hours a day. I was working graveyards coming home and taking the kids to a sitter so I could sleep. The kids were missing their parents and I felt the need to become a stay at home mom. So began yet another new adventure in our life.

I read an article once about how a colonel’s wife (Greta Chase Hull) committed suicide in 1913 while her husband was off at war. Another woman (wife of a lieutenant colonel) killed herself and her children in very recent years. However common it is, depression, was something I never thought I could face myself. I have a beautiful family, amazing husband and a roof over my head but when my husband left for Korea there was a definite change in my attitude. I couldn't focus on work, my kids, household chores and daily activities. I was upset with the way I looked and the way I felt, I missed my husband and felt like my kids were being cheated out of "Papa" time. Although I did ask Levi how how much trouble I could get in for shooting him in the knee cap in hopes of a medial discharge once (kidding), I have never thought about suicide as an option. I can empathize with the way these women felt however. I don’t know what my husband is doing most of the time, our communication with him is limited, and when we do get to talk I can't understand what he was saying if he is talking about work.

Most days are good. I enjoy spending time with my kids and getting to focus on being the stay home mommy I want to be. All in all the Army for me has been a great decision for our family. My husband lost an enormous amount of weight, gained confidence in himself that wasn't there before and it gives me a sense of security in such insecure economic times. But today has been heck.... I am fighting a weight problem and trying to figure out where the "old me" went. I am missing having (Levi) my best friend to talk to when I feel like I can't handle the day, I am overwhelmed with the emotions of having my husband come home and leave and my kids picked today to be, well, three and two. When I decided I couldn't take it anymore I called my mom and she took my oldest with her to a football game at a school where my dad coaches basketball so that I could get at least a small break.

I know I may change my mind once we actually move to Fort Hood but I feel like if I live on post at least I would have somewhere to turn besides my mother in days like today. There would have been other women who understand being separated from their spouses to turn to, maybe a childcare center to take them too, a gym or recreation center to go and relax with other families in our situation; Anything besides breaking down in front of my kids and the skype Internet web camera with my husband watching.

For now I am sitting here trying to figure out how soon I can put my son to bed and how to make tomorrow a better day. I want to learn how to be superwoman and handle all things wife-like in a Carol Brady, June Cleaver fashion. Until then I am just going to try to minimize beak downs, keep a positive outlook, and stay out of the pantry.....

Enlisting..... My view.

I wrote this about 6 months ago.... It is a little background into the start of our journey. I want this to be somewhat of a tribute to all of the Military Moms and Wives, those before me. Your service is just as important as your spouse or child’s. Thank you for your service and your willingness to bless wives like me with your knowledge and wisdom.


My name is Tiffany and I am 22 years old. I am happily married and the mother of two wonderful children. My husband Levi and I meet working for the Maricopa County Sheriffs Office. Fast forward about 1 1/2 years when we had our first child, Mackenzie Lee, I was working in Dispatch and he was still working for the county. My dear husband decided when our daughter was about 5 months that he wanted another baby. Our daughter was 15 months old when our second baby was born. Thomas Levi was happy and healthy. Begrudgingly, 6th months after his birth, I agreed with my husband that our family was complete. ....

…. Levi had talked about it since I’ve known him. I should have seen it coming...subconsciously I knew. Work was getting worse and worse at the county and he was constantly complaining about his superiors. And finally it came during a very heated argument, it was an accident but I knew it was time “well …” I said, “why don’t you just quit and join the ARMY.” There it was on the table, again. We hadn’t brought it up since before we found out we were pregnant the first time. He just looked at me bewildered. “Really?” was all he could muster. That was around Memorial Day. Nothing else was said until early July. I was late for work and he had just come home. He was changing my tire when he told me “I’m talking to a recruiter. I could leave as early as next month. Kris is joining with me.” And there it was. It was done then and I knew it. My life was forever going to be changed; I was in essence going to be a single parent. I knew he would be gone…..a lot. I was never an Army kid but I had small enough of an idea what was coming. After a series of visits with the recruiter (don’t trust them ever, no matter how cute they are holding your 7 month old or how many happy meals they give your two year old), and with our friends Kris and Angela, the date was set. August 13th 2008 was their enlistment date. ....

I have always respected men and women of the uniform and I know that their service to us will never be a repayable service. But let me be the first to say that their families never, no matter how many nice thing people do, get the credit they deserve. That first day watching Levi walk away from the Military Entrance Processing Station I felt like my whole world was falling just out of reach. I broke down right there in a parking lot holding my toddler tighter then ever. Poor kid. I learned three very important lessons that day. First being in the ARMY you will learn to always hurry up, no matter what, always hurry up. Although this is typically so you are the first in line to wait, and wait, and wait; you still ALWAYS hurry up. Second lesson I learned that day I learned at the advice of a very wise check in lady. whom I am sure has watched thousands of wives and moms break down at MEPS, and also from very irrational mother. Her son left 3 hours before my husband, he was bawling as he walked out the door while she sat with tears gushing from her eyes. The check in lady looked at me, I know I had to be staring. She smiled and gave me a hug, and as she did this she told me, “ If I have learned anything working this counter it has to be to never ever cry in front of a solider. Never. It just makes it harder for them to go. What they are doing isn’t easy either.” And the last lesson I learned that day from MacKenzie. It’s much simpler to follow then the others. It has become my motto for our deployments and extended “See You Later” trips. DON’T SQUEEZE YOUR TODDLER WHEN YOU BREAK DOWN, THEY START CRYING TOO.....

Other experiences I faced while he was in Basic Combat Training and Advanced Individual Training included going to Luke Air Force Base, once again with just a toddler in tow. Thank God for wonderful Grandparents. I can’t imagine some of these tasks with both kids. Going to Luke seemed like a simple enough task, make appointment, show up with paper, hurry up to wait, wait in the waiting room, take picture, and walk out with ID card. One problem, have you ever tried to get onto a military base with out a military ID? Try explaining to the guard that the whole reason you are there is to get a military ID that you have NEVER had issued. After about 30 minutes and a very thorough search of my vehicle and the diaper bag we were in the gates. Not that that wasn’t intimidating enough I had to try working my way through base parking lots, streets and buildings. Everything was still very foreign and everywhere I looked there was a uniform of some sort. Are you suppose to call them Sir or Ma’am or do you just ignore them or hold the door open. Its funny what you can let your self believe when your nervous. I have been raised around Cops my whole life, I know that behind all uniforms, whatever it is, there is just a normal person with a family too, but sometimes I still forget. After watching a female solider trip while trying to drag her unwilling 6 year old to the car I learned my fourth lesson… They are normal behind the uniform... somewhere along the way their kids probably puked on them too. ....

About three weeks into Levi’s AIT he sent me a sticker for my car. It says “Army Wife” in very pretty writing. I proudly display this on my SUV window along with my Yellow Ribbons. I was in McDonalds when a elderly man asked me if that was my vehicle. I said yes as I paid for my meal. All I was thinking was that this old man just hit my car and probably was going to cause my insurance rates to go up. Suddenly he lashed out at me and said “So you’re the one married to a baby killer.” It took a minute to register in my head what just happened. I wanted to curse him with every bad word I have ever heard and tell him to go you know where. Instead when he finished ordering his meal I reached in front of him and handed the cashier enough money to pay for his meal and told him to enjoy his day and freedoms that allow him to say things like that to women like me. With the manager and casher and bystanders staring I walked to my car yogurt and French fries in hand. “Your husband does brave things every day with out crying, you can make to the car and out of the parking lot with out crying” is what I kept repeating to myself. And I did, and actually I made it all the way to my mom’s office with out shedding a tear. In fact I didn’t ever cry about it. I was more mad then anything. I was mad that my husband didn’t even have the right to call him self a Solider yet and this man had the gull to treat me like that. The emotions changed all day. I came to the conclusion that people like this don’t matter to me. If they don’t approve that’s their right. My husband is doing something for his country that makes him proud, that’s his right. I still have my stickers on my vehicle. You couldn’t pay me to take them down. As for others like this man, I’ll take it 100 times if I have to in order to show my support. My fifth lesson happened at McDonalds that day. Be brave no matter what, look fear in the eyes with a smile on your face. ....

After very few phone calls, and 5 very long months graduation day came. It was so neat to get to see the fruits of his labor. Levi lost 60 pounds in just a few months. He looked amazing and his drill sergeants are now calling him “ what’s left of Erler” because he looked so different. I can’t even begin to explain what you feel when you see them in there uniforms getting awards. And to hear the speaker say “Dismissed”, see the relief in their eyes and watch your kids running to “Papa” is so overwhelming. Levi came home with us for 2 short weeks right after that. He was lucky enough to get Home Town Recruiting before leaving to South Korea. My sixth lesson was learned while he was at home. Don’t get used to having help with screaming, leg flailing babies. Soldiers leave soon. Don’t adjust. Just Don’t. ....

Taking him to the airport for our fist “Unaccompanied Tour for Duty” was easier then I had expected it to be. For my daughter in the back seat we were calling this, another “See you later” trip. There are no goodbyes, only see you laters, in our family. Loading the kids in the two-kid-stroller we both laughed a few bittersweet laughs about a few things that had happened in the 2 short weeks he had been with us. In the parking lot of the airport it was becoming more of a reality that this was it for a year. While sitting eating the most soothing bland sandwiches our stomachs could handle we talk about anything we could come up with other then the time apart from each other we were facing. While watching my husband, my solider and the father of my children kiss them goodbye, it was all I could do not to cry. But due to lesson number two I did not cry, at least not until he couldn’t see me anymore. I watched him crying as he held our son who barely knows his father and as he kissed his little princess I learned my seventh lesson. Grown men really do cry, no matter how tough they are all it takes are a couple little people and a really long “see you later” trip. We said our I love yous, be carefuls and call mes and me and the kiddos waved as he walked out of sight. And because of lesson number three I’m fairly sure our daughter and son were both grateful for the two-kid stroller. ....

Kids loaded into the car, stroller packed in the back of my “army wife” sticker bearing SUV, all I could do was sit there. I didn’t move the car or turn on the radio, the only noise to be heard was a bottle and sippy being sucked by two beautiful innocent babies. I didn’t cry in the car. I just sort of sat there and took it all in. It is a day I will never forget. I know there is going to be time when I look back at that moment as bittersweet, it will be a memory I’m sure I will share with my children and hopefully their children. As I sat in the parking garage of Terminal Four on the west side, level 5, elevator facing parking space I learned my Eight lesson. I am an Army Wife I can handle what ever comes at me. ....

I know I have many more lessons in front of me…. But because of lesson number eight I know what ever the lessons are , whatever I am faced with, wherever my husband goes, and wherever this lifestyle takes us, I am an Army Wife and I can handle whatever comes at me.

The boys Levi and Kris, Christmas leave prior to graduation.

I am no good at introductios

I am in a terribly ill-tempered mood. My husband is overseas, and although his 15 day visit was wonderful, I feel cheated. I want to see him more, I miss him, our kids miss him, not to mention my bed misses him (not in the sick way you all took that, more in the I can't sleep without him way). Now I am no fool. I am well aware that things could be worse. The Army could have sent him to Iraq or Afgan as his first duty station, but that doesn't make the seperation part any easier.

I have been called un-logical for the way my thought process works many times in the last few months but I a going to risk that again now as I try to explain my very sensical logic. When my husband told me he wanted to join the Army I was very supportive. I am possibly in this day and age considered overly patriotic, however there is something very honorable (even sexy) about a man who serves our country. After all is mission is to protect the freedoms I have, the life I live, and the future of my children. I was ready for anything. I knew my husband was probably going to Iraq when he left boot camp. I was okay with this. I anticipated moving out of my parents house (i moved in when he left for basic) onto an Army Post with my husband somewhere and a month or so later recieving word he was deploying. Again I was okay with this. War is what soldiers do. It's their job. As a police officers daughter I was used to having a loved one going to work daily with the possibility of not coming home, different yes, but enough alike to settle my mind.  However when my husband got his orders he was told he was going to Korea with out his family. I know all of the obvious applies ... he isn't in a combat zone, he isnt getting shot at, you talk to him on the phone alot, you know he is safe .....blah blah blah. I am a firm believer that if death is coming for you it doesn't matter if you are in the middle of a combat zone or sitting at home , death will find you. That being said most of the things people say to "comfort" me don't. I was just not ready for him to go to Korea.  I am still apart from my husband, my three year old still asks where Papa is, and my one year old doesn't know his father much other then what he sees on skype. Germany, Italy, Alaska, Kentucky, Washington... whatever I was ready for it. Korea was not on my list of possibilities. With absolutely no disrespect to Korean War Vets ( I am only 23 so forgive my once narrowmind) ...There is no war in Korea, there hasn't been ( as far as I was concerened) for a very long time and there was no reason for American Soldiers to be there. I was not prepared for the possibility of my husband going to a country (other then for OIF) without us.

After being there for a long while we decided that it would be a good thing for him to use his leave and come home to visit. As the 15 days went by so quickly I never really settled into him being home making fr an awkard two-weeks. I am sitting here with Skype up as many other Army families do. The running total time for the phone call is 12 hours and 6 minutes, my husband is snoreing in his barraks room. I take comfort in being able to hear him but it still doesn't settle the worry that lies in the pit of my heart. I worry for him all the time, what will things be like when he is back, am I doing good enough by him while he is gone. It is only a few days after I took him back to the airport to return to Korea but I know that one thing is for absolute sure... I sleep like a baby when he is home...

Its a few minutes from midnight and I am going to attempt to meet sleep sometime tonight while the distant sound of my husbands breathing lurks in the background.