Today was rough... I want a better tomorrow.

Okay so when I joined the silent ranks I wasn't sent to Army Wife Boot Camp. I wasn't trained for my mission; I had no idea what to except, what I would feel, how to act in certain situations and I had no idea how to handle the emotions of separations. After my husband graduated Boot Camp and AIT (Army Individualized Training) he was sent to S. Korea. Now although Korea isn't technically a deployment for the soldier, for the families, much of the emotions and actions on the home front remain the same. Sort of.


See, if my husband would have deployed my family would have been assigned to an Army Post somewhere, would have possibly been assigned Post housing, we would have access to an FRG, I would have a few hours monthly of free respite childcare, and the other benefits of living on/near Post (PX, Commissary, Army Hospital, CYSS, ect.). However, because my husband was given orders for an unaccompanied Permanent Change of Station as his first assignment, I was left in Phoenix (nearest Post is 4 hour drive) with a million questions and no support. At least if there is support out there I haven't been given any resources to locate it.

That being said this has been a very interesting 15 months. When Levi first enlisted I was working too much and my kids only got to see me about 7 hours a day. I was working graveyards coming home and taking the kids to a sitter so I could sleep. The kids were missing their parents and I felt the need to become a stay at home mom. So began yet another new adventure in our life.

I read an article once about how a colonel’s wife (Greta Chase Hull) committed suicide in 1913 while her husband was off at war. Another woman (wife of a lieutenant colonel) killed herself and her children in very recent years. However common it is, depression, was something I never thought I could face myself. I have a beautiful family, amazing husband and a roof over my head but when my husband left for Korea there was a definite change in my attitude. I couldn't focus on work, my kids, household chores and daily activities. I was upset with the way I looked and the way I felt, I missed my husband and felt like my kids were being cheated out of "Papa" time. Although I did ask Levi how how much trouble I could get in for shooting him in the knee cap in hopes of a medial discharge once (kidding), I have never thought about suicide as an option. I can empathize with the way these women felt however. I don’t know what my husband is doing most of the time, our communication with him is limited, and when we do get to talk I can't understand what he was saying if he is talking about work.

Most days are good. I enjoy spending time with my kids and getting to focus on being the stay home mommy I want to be. All in all the Army for me has been a great decision for our family. My husband lost an enormous amount of weight, gained confidence in himself that wasn't there before and it gives me a sense of security in such insecure economic times. But today has been heck.... I am fighting a weight problem and trying to figure out where the "old me" went. I am missing having (Levi) my best friend to talk to when I feel like I can't handle the day, I am overwhelmed with the emotions of having my husband come home and leave and my kids picked today to be, well, three and two. When I decided I couldn't take it anymore I called my mom and she took my oldest with her to a football game at a school where my dad coaches basketball so that I could get at least a small break.

I know I may change my mind once we actually move to Fort Hood but I feel like if I live on post at least I would have somewhere to turn besides my mother in days like today. There would have been other women who understand being separated from their spouses to turn to, maybe a childcare center to take them too, a gym or recreation center to go and relax with other families in our situation; Anything besides breaking down in front of my kids and the skype Internet web camera with my husband watching.

For now I am sitting here trying to figure out how soon I can put my son to bed and how to make tomorrow a better day. I want to learn how to be superwoman and handle all things wife-like in a Carol Brady, June Cleaver fashion. Until then I am just going to try to minimize beak downs, keep a positive outlook, and stay out of the pantry.....